How To Keep Your Romance Alive!

How To Keep Your Romance Alive!
By Tommy Franks

Special Note: This Presentation is geared toward married couples or those who will someday be married.

Take your spouse’s/valentine’s hand right now and look her/him directly in the eyes and say, “You are my best friend. You are my Valentine. I love you. I highly respect you. You belong to me. I belong to you. I love you so very much! You are valuable to me. I need you. I am yours. You are mine. I love you!”

(Eph.5:25-33) HUSBANDS, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for it; That He might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That He might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loves his wife loves himself.

For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourishes and cherishes it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife reverence her husband.

(Eph.5:22-26) Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

1. Your Valentine (lover) should be Your Best Friend (You are a Team!)

Friendship:

As love partners, you must have clearly developed channels of open communication such as modern communications/computers/laptops/cell phones/faxes, etc. Men, we are not doing a very good job of communicating, especially in our bedrooms.

Self-disclosure and transparency is also an invitation to be vulnerable, but it helps you to see things, feel things, and hope for things that you never thought possible.

Think thoughts of love. Speak words of love. Demonstrate unconditional love thru the things that you do! Openness means being willing to communicate your deepest feelings. There can be no intimacy without conversation. Truthful communication moves your love spouse and creates a condition of unity, love, and satisfaction.

2. LISTENING to your spouse is so important. We must listen (learn to listen) to one another.

3. GIVE ONE ANOTHER SPACE. Do not suffocate each other. Love is letting go when your partner needs a break…some space…and holding her close when she needs care.

Don’t smother each other. No one can grow in the shade.

The Simple Secret: The lover lets the other lover be free. Everyone is different. Different spouses require different mixes of independence and mutuality. But with careful listening and communication, and discussion, you can reach a happy medium. Whatever you do, do NOT become overly possessive. “Love is not possessiveness” (I Cor.13:4).

This is quite ironic, but true: The more possessive we are, the more love we demand; however, the less we receive. While the more freedom we give, the less we demand, and the more love we receive. Let each other be free…and alive!

You are two separate individuals, yet you are one…and if you are like most couples, you are still becoming one. You did not get married to become a whole person. You were a whole person before you married your Valentine. Two whole people come together to complement the other and to make one. I call this a team effort…a partnership…a union…a family entity. Even though we contribute to our partner’s happiness or sometimes unhappiness, no one can make you truly happy but you and God. You need to be secure before you get married. But many of us were not! It takes “time” to become secure within a husband/wife relationship.

DO NOT think for one moment that you are the only person who matters to your lover or partner; i.e., we all have in-laws/out-laws, friends, children, etc. Be real. No one person can meet all of your needs. Your spouse/love partner is, and will always be #1 in your life, but not the only person in whom you interact.

I fully expect my wife Karen to have other interests other than me. I must extend freedom to her in which to develop those interests in other people, hobbies, volunteer work, etc. This has only empowered our relationship. Freedom can never confine. It can never be detrimental to the relationship. It can only open up many exciting and undiscovered opportunities to enjoy life. When Karen is pursuing these areas in which she excels, she is happy. I enjoy her most when she is happy. People are easier to love when they are happy. “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!”

The stronger and more secure we become, the more we are willing to be ourselves while encouraging our spouse/love partner to do the same. Genuine unconditional love not only respects the individuality of the other but actually seeks to cultivate it. The ultimate goal: Spiritual growth, individual growth, social growth, and family growth.

4. WEIGH YOUR WORDS: Someone once said, “You cannot un-ring a bell!”

Words are Powerful. They can bring forth a wound or a healing. A wise spouse/marriage partner is aware of the potential damage loose words can cause, especially words spoken in anger

Sometimes, we speak what we feel without considering the consequences of the pain/conflict that the words might bring to our wives.

Speaking out words will put in motion a law…the law of cause and effect. We (as husbands) need to speak words of encouragement, understanding, love, caring words, positive words, and productive words.

Marriage relationships DO NOT die by themselves. We can kill a marriage relationship by inappropriate words…words spoken from the head and not from the heart, especially in a fit or moment of anger! Words once spoken cannot be recalled. Don’t insist on giving the last word!

Let the past be the past. The past is gone forever. Do not keep bringing up the past. Rehearsing past failures is non-productive and very un-romantic! It simply doesn't work. And if something doesn’t work, we need to stop doing it! Focus on what you want in your relationship! Focus on the present and future…your goals, aspirations, and destiny. Never underestimate the power of words. They can wound or they can heal!

5. FORGIVENESS: Forgiveness is often misunderstood. We must forgive one another. If we don’t, anger, resentment, and hostility will build up! "If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive." (Mother Theresa) Forgiveness works! But it is difficult at times, but it works! Sometimes, we have to go to the person who wronged us…and say, “OK, we need to talk. To not forgive someone is the same as taking poison.

Forgiveness is a gift that you give yourself. It is not something you do FOR someone else. It is not complicated. It is simple. Sometimes, it may be saying to yourself, “I forgive you. All is forgiven”. Forgiveness is an act of love. It challenges you to give up destructive thoughts. It builds confidence that you can survive the pain and grow from it. Telling someone is a bonus!

Forgiveness is a Choice! You do not have to forgive, but there are dire consequences. Refusing to forgive by holding on to the anger, resentment and a sense of betrayal can make your own life miserable. A vindictive mind-set creates bitterness and lets the betrayer claim one more victim. There is nothing so bad that cannot be forgiven. Nothing!

When you forgive, you do it for you, not necessarily for the other person. If you do not forgive the person, that person owns you! Remember: The choice to forgive is always yours. Do it for you.

Healing begins with forgiveness! Focus your energy on the healing, not the hurt! HEALTHY love relationships are not possible without forgiveness! You cannot have a loving and rewarding relationship with anyone else, much less yourself, if you continue to hold on to things that happened in the past.

Regardless of the situation, making peace with people, i.e., your parents, CHILDREN, your boss, or anyone is the only way to have a “healthy” relationship with yourself and others! Forgiving someone else is to agree within yourself to overlook the wrong they have committed against you and to move on with your life.

Unforgiveness brings the by-products of…inner conflict, struggle, unrest, anxiety, and depression. Unforgiveness will also affect your self-esteem and self-confidence!

“FORGIVE and FORGET is a MYTH”. You may never forget. The Bible tells us to forgive. It does not say that we will forget the wrong. Some will say that we must not only forgive, but we must also forget. This is a myth and is not supported by Scripture. Nowhere does the Bible say that we must forgive and forget. It simply says for us to forgive! Only God has the capacity to forgive and forget at the same time. We do not. Read on...

However, we do have a choice to forgive...Forgiveness is a choice. As life goes on and you remember the matter again, just remember that you have already forgiven. Mentally forgive again if necessary, then move forward. Over time, the vividness of the memory and hurt will fade. As Romantics (in love with each other), together we remember. And if we plan to stay together, we will forgive.

Forgiveness is a creative act that changes us from prisoners of the past to free people of the present. It is not forgetfulness, but it involves accepting the promise that the future can be more than dwelling on memories of past injury. There is no future in the past. You can never live in the present and create a new and exciting future for yourself and your love partner if you always stay stuck in the past. You CAN let go…and forgive! It takes no strength to let go. . . only courage. It takes a lot of energy to hold on to unforgiveness. It takes less energy to create a new and exciting relationship TOGETHER…a relationship anchored in unconditional love.

Forgiveness is another key to our own happiness. Forgiving someone takes moral courage. Forgiveness means choosing to let go, move on, and favor the positive. "Love is an act of endless forgiveness" (Peter Ustinov).

To forgive is the highest and most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness" (Robert Muller).