Subject: The Un-Welcomed Visitor

Subject: The Un-Welcomed Visitor
(True Story by Tommy Franks)

The strangest thing happened to me a while back. I had put in a hard day’s work at the office (Heidelberg, Germany) and returned to my quarters at the Heidelberg, Germany (The Guesthouse)...only to find a visitor in my room when I opened the door. This is a true story. I am not making this up. Read on...

I asked the visitor, “How did you get in here? What are you doing in my room? What is your business here?”

Without saying a word, the unwelcome visitor came out from behind the window drapes...and attempted to hit me in the head. I asked, “What the world are you doing?
This is my room. Get out. Get out now before I call the Military Police (MPs). If you don’t, you and I are going to have a fight right here. You cannot stay in my room. PERIOD!”

Suddenly, the strange visitor charged me again. This time I took a swing at this miserable uninvited guest. I missed. Hence, the struggle began. Within a few minutes, the entire room was in a mess. Finally, I said, “Listen, you nincompoop...I am going down to the Training Room (Health Spa) downstairs and when I return, you had better be gone. If you are not, I’m warning you now...I will do something drastic...like kill you!”

In a flash, I was gone! As I went into the sauna, I thought about what I was going to do if this unsought visitor was still there when I returned. Perhaps I should go ahead and call the MPs now. What if they do not believe my story? What then? In my own mind, I was now in a pickle.

I said, “OK, now Tommy, do not panic. There must be a reasonable explanation to all of this. There has got to be. It must be a sick joke that someone is playing on me! Yes, that’s it. It’s some type of a joke.” Who would do such a dastardly thing?

I took my time in the Physical Training Room and afterwards, I headed back to my quarters. I opened the door and did not see the visitor...at least for the first few seconds. Then suddenly, out from behind the large window curtains...came the unwelcome visitor...running at me…charging me at full speed and trying to hit me in the head again.

“That’s it. You are history. If you do not leave right now, you’re dead. I will unequivocally kill you. After all, I’m a trained combat killer,” I said.

The fight began. I had no weapons except a small penknife...but it was clear across the room. As the contest developed and within a few minutes, my quarters looked like a tornado had blown through. Suddenly, a stroke of genius struck my mind. I grabbed a large “Rest and Recuperation” Magazine (good Army European magazine)...and rolled it up like a sword. I said, “OK, if you want to die, then you shall.”

We looked at each other...sort of like a bull and a matador in Barcelona. All at once, I charged this unpopular and uninvited guest. I swung the R & R magazine over and over hitting this diabolical creature with all the energy I could muster.

Like a flash, it was over. I was now standing over this stranger who was writhing with pain. I took the man-made sword and made one more swipe against the head of this un-welcomed creature. All movement stopped. All noise ceased. I had killed this deranged
fool.

Now what do I do? I turned on the TV so that I could think more clearly. The movie “Thelma and Louise” was on. This was my third time seeing it, but I watched it closely this time. I took out a bottle of cream soda and made a toast to “life” and “staying alive”.

After the movie, I said, “OK, it’s time to dispose of this riffraff. I'll make it quick.”

I went to the window and looked out. I checked the hallway...closed the curtains...double locked the door. I went over to the dead dunce and said (with almost tears in my eyes), “I told you this would happen if you didn’t leave, but no, you wouldn’t listen. You had to harass me and cause me all kinds of undue consternation, didn’t you? Well, you will never fly again. You are now a dead horse fly...and to me the only good horse fly…is a dead fly. Bye Bye.”

With that being said, I took a large tissue, picked up the dead carcass...horse fly...and threw it in the trash can. Silence was golden for the rest of the night!