The Mummy Approach

The Mummy Approach
By Tommy Franks (Written in 1999)

That’s right. You heard right. I got up this morning
and said, “Self, you need to get a life. You need to do
something humorous, exciting, spontaneous, and
downright different today…expand your horizons…
live a little.”

I looked in the “Yellow Pages” and there it was…
“The Body Wrap”, better known as “Suddenly
Slender”. Since, I must fit into my Army
Uniform in a few days and commission our
son (Tony) at the Air Force Academy, I thought
it prudent to take off a couple more inches of
my sagging waistline. So away I go to “Suddenly
Slender”.

When I arrived, I was met by the Egyptian Queen
who had a real Egyptian name…Nancy Smith.
She explained how “The Body Wrap” worked.
Then I was shown a 20 minute video.
BOTTOMLINE: You are wrapped with wet cheese
cloth from top to bottom. The area in which you
want to lose inches/pounds is wrapped especially
tight. The “Wrap” as it is called is supposed to take
out toxins and poisons and fat cells from your
pleasantly plump body…and you will never over-eat again!
“Suddenly Slender” guarantees that you will
lose a minimum of four inches off your body within the hour.

So the fun began…or should I say pain?
· First, they weigh you. Then they measure your
arms, legs, waistline, head, neck, hips, chest, ears,
eyeballs, fingers, feet, etc. No, I was not naked.
I had my bathing suit on.
· Next, they wrap you from head to toe. I’m
not kidding. The only area not wrapped is your
eyes and nose. The cloth is soaked in some type
of biodegradable, hot, liquid acid…Just kidding
about the acid. But the cheesecloth is soaked
in a “secret formula” liquid before they wrap
you…I think it was soap and foam.
· So, here I am in a few minutes…a mummy,
a certified and authentic wrapped-up mummy. I could hardly
breath. They then placed me in a pink robe.
I looked in the mirror and almost passed
out. The only thing that I could see was my mustache
and beady brown eyes. Oh, one or two hairs on my
head were sticking through the wrap. That’s when I had hair.
· As I looked in the mirror, I said, “Self, I didn’t
exactly have this in mind this morning. I can hardly
breathe…and I have a minimum of one hour to be
in this “get-up” and feel the pain.”
· About this time, one of the Egyptian Queens
comes over and say, “Mr. Franks, you must move
around…exercise your body…walk, twist, turn,
do cartwheels, had springs, sky dive, and ride the exercise
isometrics equipment that we have provided.”
· “OK. That’s fine for you to say, but I’m in
here where it’s tight, real tight…as my father would
say, ‘Tighter than Dick’s hat band’. Steer me in
the right direction.”
· After great neck mummy speed, in about ten
minutes I arrived at the exercise equipment…which
was only about five feet away.
· Reluctantly, I got on the sports equipment and away
I went. Within a few minutes, I had had enough!
However, now, I couldn’t stop it. Get this picture
now: Here is a grown man…who is suppose to be
intelligent…dressed up in mummy wraps
(cheesecloth)…in an athletic body suit…
in pain…cannot breath very well…losing at
least a pound a minute (I wish)…wondering
when this merry-go-round will stop.
· Eventually, I was able to sabotage it. It stopped.
I got off. Bad move. One of the assistants saw me.
She said, “Oh, I think we need to tighten up your
wraps. They look a little loose!”
· I tried to talk to no avail. Oh boy, I can hardly move.
She squirts some more secret formula liquid on me…Wraps me extremely
tight around the tummy with more wet cheesecloth…and
says, “Go exercise some more.”
· Eventually, my 2 ½ hours was up. I was one happy mummy!
This mummy was ready to escape from the Nile and the desert sand
and head for a cool, clear oasis with palm trees and some Egyptian cool-aide.
· I am too embarrassed to tell you how much this
cruel, savage, brute punishment cost me. However,
one thing for sure came out of it though. “I got a life.”
Or I should say, “I have my life back from Mummyville.”

RECOMMENDATION: I think everybody should get
a “Body Wrap” once in their lifetime. Get yourself
wrapped up, tied up, tangled up, bound up, knotted up,
stitched up, tensed up, tethered up, and anchored up
and become “Suddenly Slender”. Hello!

Somebody once said, “There’s a sucker born
every minute.” Well, think of it another way.
I have some great experiences to share with
my grandkids when they arrive. Hello!